DAPPLED
LIGHT

After graduation, I got a job as a graphic designer. I stopped making art for myself, but only for others. Every day, I put on a human suit, went to the office, and acted pleasantly with my top-notch pretending skills. I even had multiple "masks" for different occasions, just in case.

However, the longer I wore my masks, the more numb and hollow I felt. That golden afternoon from many years ago came back to haunt me. I'm fading away...A formless, dark, gel-like substance gradually took hostage of my body.

One day, I was in the office, hunching over the computer as usual. Then all of a sudden, I felt a tightness in my chest. I tried moving my left arm, but I couldn't feel a thing; I got very nauseous, everything was spinning, and I couldn't breathe...as the world started closing in, I thought to myself,

"This is it, I'm going to die."

Everyone was on high alert in the emergency room. I got put into a wheelchair, then a hospital bed. Doctors and nurses rushed in and out, taking measurements and strapping devices on me. Through the chaos, I made out the word “stroke”.

Then, like a storm, everything died down as quickly as it came. I lay in a freezing hospital bed for eternity. Finally, the doctor came, he said, “There's nothing wrong with you. It's probably just a panic attack.”

I left the hospital feeling sicker than before. I should be relieved I'm not dying, but honestly, I'd rather have a stroke.

It's JUST a panic attack! Why did you have to make a big deal and wasted everybody's time? Can't you deal with stress like a “normal” person? What's so stressful about your life anyway?

The sense of impending doom continued to loom over my head for weeks. I didn't want people to think I'm a liar, so I pretended everything was fine. But whenever I was home alone, I would sit on my bed, rock back and forth, and clutch my arms as tightly as I could. Sometimes I would spin in circles, bang my head against the wall, and curl up into a ball on the kitchen tiles.

These things help me cope whenever I'm overwhelmed. But even when I was a child, I knew what I did was weird, so I would only let myself do that when nobody was around. I used to think that was me being weak, being “soooo dramatic”.

Then one day, I experienced the same stroke-like symptoms again. I got terribly distraught and passed out on the kitchen floor crying. When I regained consciousness, I grabbed my phone immediately. I was desperate to prove I'm not crazy, so I looked up all my symptoms and behaviors online. The first ten results all pointed to the same thing,

“autistic meltdown”