DAPPLED
LIGHT

It was around that time I realized I have trouble interacting with people. Yes, there's a group of friends I hung out with regularly. But deep down, I was convinced they only included me because I was there, not because of who I was.

I never knew what to do in social situations. It's like everyone was in a play. Somehow they all knew their lines, except for me, I'm the only one who was not given a script. So like an alien scientist in a human suit, I observed others’ behaviors and mirrored them. I learned to act the way others expect me to be, I researched how to make people like me, and I studied what made people tick.

I tried very, VERY hard to blend in, be "normal", and be "good". Yet, every day, I worried I'm not doing good enough. Maybe today's the day people finally discovered the repulsive alien inside.

The meticulous planning and pretending came at a price. Behind every interaction was a never-ending stream of scripting, rehearsing, analyzing, and overthinking. It's incredibly draining. I had anxiety attacks, and I would burst into tears out of nowhere. I sat at the back of the classroom so no one would notice me. I couldn't understand what the teacher was saying, and I'm so tired of pretending. I hated myself.

"Why can't you do anything right? Why can't you just be normal?"

I punished myself by scratching my left arm with a sharp mechanical pencil, poking and drawing the lines over and over in the same spot until it bled. When I got home, I acted everything was fine. I covered up my scars with a navy blue sweater. I couldn't bear the idea for my family - who are ever so loving and supportive - to find out their "good girl" was a failure.

There was one golden afternoon when the sun shone through the window in front of my desk. I looked down at my left arm where the sunlight hit, I knew it was part of my body, but I couldn't feel it being part of me...my arm appeared translucent like it was fading away. At that moment, I was remarkably calm. I thought,

"I might as well fade away. If I disappeared from this world, no one would notice. And it's probably for the better anyway."